After my boyfriend got a job, we moved to southern Cali for his job. It was wonderful but a lot of change. I didn't know anyone and that made me a little nervous to go out and do stuff.
When I would go out with my boyfriend, we would go with his friends and I'd get so nervous! I'd have to sit in my car while others went into the bar because I was afraid I couldn't talk and would throw up. This upset him because he didn't understand why I acted sick at the times where we should be having fun. It seemed like I was doing it on purpose and that I didn't want to be there. But I so did! I was angry at myself and started my self loathing phase. Why was I crazy?
One day, we had a double date to Disneyland with our friends. I was so excited to go! The night before and that morning I was fine. Then as we drove closer and went to a restaurant for breakfast, I felt like I had the flu. So dizzy, nauseous, spacey, clammy. I ended up puking in the bathroom. My stomach was in knots. So I managed to pull it together to go to the park. We parked and started walking to the gate, I got sick again but this time I puked in front of them. So embarrassing for me. And confusing for them. Frustrating for all. I hated myself and wanted to die. I felt like a burden ruining everyone's time. But after that "hump" I felt better and I enjoyed the day. Getting past the hump is the hardest part. My boyfriend said "I think you might have anxiety". That turned on a lightbulb in my head. I didn't know that what I was doing was even a "thing". I thank my boyfriend for observing and pointing this out to me because that moment started my journey of learning to cope with my problem, and possibly heal it one day. :)
It is so good (and unfortunate) to know someone else who gets nausea issues with anxiety (I'm so sorry you go through that as well). Though I've never thrown up from being anxious, in my worse spells I'd get acid reflux, and just not be able to eat anything. Part of my fear with it when panic attacks would start as a result (the cycle of both the nausea and the panic getting worse, fun times...) that I would throw up in public, or do something else that would make things awkward or embarrassing for myself.
ReplyDeletePS - It seems we blog for similar reasons. I've definitely found that blogging has helped deal with a lot of my feelings in a constructive way, and in a way document progress and change. Good luck to both of us! :)