Real Life

After I graduated college I moved back home, and got a job at a retirement home serving in the dining room. I was closer to my bf who was now training for law enforcement. Life was pretty good. 

Specific events stand out in my head where my anxiety was in full force. Going out to clubs with a group of friends would leave me debilitated. Worried I would throw up, i'd have to go the the bathroom several times. All I wanted to do was enjoy myself with the people I was with. 

Anxiety is a mental disorder, a chemical imbalance. Its the fear of what might come. What if I was boring? What if they judge me? What if I get in a fight with my bf? What if he doesn't understand why I am like this? This happened every time I went somewhere. I'd try to pull myself together, suck it up, but you could see on my face something was wrong. I'd look terrified, like I was having a horrible time, or I was a bitch. When really in my head I was just trying to keep my symptoms under control so I didn't have a meltdown, cry, throw up, or just basically panic. 

There is a feeling of getting over this "hump" of fear. Once I started to ignore my emotions and thoughts and accidentally forget about them, my insides wouldn't be tense anymore and i'd feel like myself again. Sometimes alcohol would help ease the pain and force me to just be me, but i'm not much of a drinker. And no way i'd smoke weed because it makes me think so much that i'd probably intensify my anxiety by about 100 times.

Still at this point, I had no idea why i'd get so nervous to the point where it would affect my well being. I just thought I was an overly nervous person. I didn't know it was an actual disorder and could be treated in many ways. "Normal" people, in my opinion, have a threshold of nervousness. People with anxiety i feel do not have a threshold and their nervousness runs wild, not having the ability to tame it. The ability has to be learned and maintained. This is one of the hardest things i've ever had to do, control my thought process.