Monday, April 29, 2013
Tonight
I miss my babe. So much. This pain..no words created to describe it. I'm breathing but dead inside.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
:(
Two people I know got engaged today. And two years younger than me. I'm happy for them but couldn't help burst into tears thinking about my ex and how it should be us. One of the worst nights of my life. Oh and one is my ex's sister..
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Marriage or life of solitude
I've only given myself two options: marry my ex (we've been trying to work it out), or live alone forever.
I DO NOT want to marry anyone else who I feel I am settling for, but always have my ex on my mind. And if I can't marry him, then I am taking a vow to not even try. It sickens me to the core to think of sharing life with a different guy.
I feel like I won't be able to handle this life without him. I failed at life. It's not made for some people, and it's a mistake that I'm here. Don't follow through with accidents parents, it doesn't ever work out.
I DO NOT want to marry anyone else who I feel I am settling for, but always have my ex on my mind. And if I can't marry him, then I am taking a vow to not even try. It sickens me to the core to think of sharing life with a different guy.
I feel like I won't be able to handle this life without him. I failed at life. It's not made for some people, and it's a mistake that I'm here. Don't follow through with accidents parents, it doesn't ever work out.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
When I realized I had anxiety
After my boyfriend got a job, we moved to southern Cali for his job. It was wonderful but a lot of change. I didn't know anyone and that made me a little nervous to go out and do stuff.
When I would go out with my boyfriend, we would go with his friends and I'd get so nervous! I'd have to sit in my car while others went into the bar because I was afraid I couldn't talk and would throw up. This upset him because he didn't understand why I acted sick at the times where we should be having fun. It seemed like I was doing it on purpose and that I didn't want to be there. But I so did! I was angry at myself and started my self loathing phase. Why was I crazy?
One day, we had a double date to Disneyland with our friends. I was so excited to go! The night before and that morning I was fine. Then as we drove closer and went to a restaurant for breakfast, I felt like I had the flu. So dizzy, nauseous, spacey, clammy. I ended up puking in the bathroom. My stomach was in knots. So I managed to pull it together to go to the park. We parked and started walking to the gate, I got sick again but this time I puked in front of them. So embarrassing for me. And confusing for them. Frustrating for all. I hated myself and wanted to die. I felt like a burden ruining everyone's time. But after that "hump" I felt better and I enjoyed the day. Getting past the hump is the hardest part. My boyfriend said "I think you might have anxiety". That turned on a lightbulb in my head. I didn't know that what I was doing was even a "thing". I thank my boyfriend for observing and pointing this out to me because that moment started my journey of learning to cope with my problem, and possibly heal it one day. :)
When I would go out with my boyfriend, we would go with his friends and I'd get so nervous! I'd have to sit in my car while others went into the bar because I was afraid I couldn't talk and would throw up. This upset him because he didn't understand why I acted sick at the times where we should be having fun. It seemed like I was doing it on purpose and that I didn't want to be there. But I so did! I was angry at myself and started my self loathing phase. Why was I crazy?
One day, we had a double date to Disneyland with our friends. I was so excited to go! The night before and that morning I was fine. Then as we drove closer and went to a restaurant for breakfast, I felt like I had the flu. So dizzy, nauseous, spacey, clammy. I ended up puking in the bathroom. My stomach was in knots. So I managed to pull it together to go to the park. We parked and started walking to the gate, I got sick again but this time I puked in front of them. So embarrassing for me. And confusing for them. Frustrating for all. I hated myself and wanted to die. I felt like a burden ruining everyone's time. But after that "hump" I felt better and I enjoyed the day. Getting past the hump is the hardest part. My boyfriend said "I think you might have anxiety". That turned on a lightbulb in my head. I didn't know that what I was doing was even a "thing". I thank my boyfriend for observing and pointing this out to me because that moment started my journey of learning to cope with my problem, and possibly heal it one day. :)
Scared
I often worry about the time where I will no longer have my parents. My dad has heart problems. My dad is my best friend. He is amazing in every way. He is hilarious and always smiling.He has never let me down, I don't think I could make it without him. It just scares me and I don't want to be far away. I love him.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Descriptions
Here are a few definitions of different types of anxiety disorders.
http://bbrfoundation.org/anxiety?gclid=CMfNjPqunLYCFSRxQgodCAkAag
http://bbrfoundation.org/anxiety?gclid=CMfNjPqunLYCFSRxQgodCAkAag
Frequently Asked Questions about Anxiety Disorders
What are the five types of anxiety disorders that are well known?
- Generalized Anxiety Disorder
- Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
- Panic Disorder
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
- Social Phobia (or Social Anxiety Disorder)
What is generalized anxiety disorder?
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is an exaggerated anxiety and tension that persists for months on end and affects approximately 6.8 million Americans or about 3.1 percent of the population. GAD causes people to anticipate catastrophe and worry excessively about many things, from overarching concerns such as health, money or work to more routine concerns such as car repairs or appointments. GAD affects twice as many women as men, and the anxiety becomes so severe, normal life and relationships become impaired.
Worries can be accompanied by physical symptoms, such as fatigue, headaches, muscle tension and aches, difficulty swallowing, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating, and hot flashes. The disorder usually develops gradually and may begin anytime during life, although the risk is highest between childhood and middle age. It is diagnosed when someone spends at least six months worrying excessively without a specific focus of the fear and an inability to control the anxiety.
What is Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder marked by fearful ideas and ritualistic behaviors. Obsessions are repetitive thoughts or impulses, such as a fear of getting infected from someone else’s germs or hurting a loved one. These obsessions create excessive anxiety and stress for the person affected. Although the thoughts are intrusive and unwanted, the person with OCD cannot stop them. Compulsions are repetitive behaviors people with OCD feel compelled to perform in an attempt to control or decrease the anxiety created by the obsessions. This can include things like constantly checking that an oven is off to prevent a fire, or frequent cleaning or hand-washing to avoid contamination.
What is Panic Disorder?
Panic disorder is characterized by unexpected and repeated episodes of intense fear accompanied by physical symptoms that may include chest pain, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, dizziness or abdominal distress. It is characterized by sudden attacks of terror, usually accompanied by a pounding heart, sweatiness, weakness, faintness or dizziness. During these attacks, people with panic disorder may flush or feel chilled; their hands may tingle or feel numb; and they may experience nausea, chest pain or smothering sensations. Panic attacks usually produce a sense of unreality, a fear of impending doom or a fear of losing control. Panic attacks can occur at any time, even during sleep.
What is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. After traumatic events, such as death, an earthquake, war, car accidents, floods or fires, it is not uncommon for people to experience feelings of heightened fear, worry, sadness or anger. If the emotions persist, however, or become severe, or the person gets triggered into reliving the event in their daily life, this can affect the person’s ability to function and may be a sign of PTSD.
What is Social Phobia?
Social Phobia, or Social Anxiety Disorder, is an anxiety disorder characterized by overwhelming anxiety and excessive self-consciousness in everyday social situations. Social phobia can be limited to only one type of situation, such as a fear of speaking in formal or informal situations, or eating or drinking in front of others. In its most severe form, social phobia may be so broad that a person experiences symptoms almost anytime they are around other people.
How are anxiety disorders diagnosed?
Primary care physicians and psychiatrists diagnose someone as having an anxiety disorder if symptoms occur for six months on more days than not, and significantly interfere with the person’s ability to function at home, work or school.
Doctors perform physical and psychological evaluations to rule out other causes for the symptoms of anxiety. Cardiovascular disease, thyroid problems, menopause, substance abuse and/or drug side effects, such as from steroids, may cause symptoms similar to those of an anxiety disorder.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is an exaggerated anxiety and tension that persists for months on end and affects approximately 6.8 million Americans or about 3.1 percent of the population. GAD causes people to anticipate catastrophe and worry excessively about many things, from overarching concerns such as health, money or work to more routine concerns such as car repairs or appointments. GAD affects twice as many women as men, and the anxiety becomes so severe, normal life and relationships become impaired.
Worries can be accompanied by physical symptoms, such as fatigue, headaches, muscle tension and aches, difficulty swallowing, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating, and hot flashes. The disorder usually develops gradually and may begin anytime during life, although the risk is highest between childhood and middle age. It is diagnosed when someone spends at least six months worrying excessively without a specific focus of the fear and an inability to control the anxiety.
What is Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder marked by fearful ideas and ritualistic behaviors. Obsessions are repetitive thoughts or impulses, such as a fear of getting infected from someone else’s germs or hurting a loved one. These obsessions create excessive anxiety and stress for the person affected. Although the thoughts are intrusive and unwanted, the person with OCD cannot stop them. Compulsions are repetitive behaviors people with OCD feel compelled to perform in an attempt to control or decrease the anxiety created by the obsessions. This can include things like constantly checking that an oven is off to prevent a fire, or frequent cleaning or hand-washing to avoid contamination.
What is Panic Disorder?
Panic disorder is characterized by unexpected and repeated episodes of intense fear accompanied by physical symptoms that may include chest pain, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, dizziness or abdominal distress. It is characterized by sudden attacks of terror, usually accompanied by a pounding heart, sweatiness, weakness, faintness or dizziness. During these attacks, people with panic disorder may flush or feel chilled; their hands may tingle or feel numb; and they may experience nausea, chest pain or smothering sensations. Panic attacks usually produce a sense of unreality, a fear of impending doom or a fear of losing control. Panic attacks can occur at any time, even during sleep.
What is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. After traumatic events, such as death, an earthquake, war, car accidents, floods or fires, it is not uncommon for people to experience feelings of heightened fear, worry, sadness or anger. If the emotions persist, however, or become severe, or the person gets triggered into reliving the event in their daily life, this can affect the person’s ability to function and may be a sign of PTSD.
What is Social Phobia?
Social Phobia, or Social Anxiety Disorder, is an anxiety disorder characterized by overwhelming anxiety and excessive self-consciousness in everyday social situations. Social phobia can be limited to only one type of situation, such as a fear of speaking in formal or informal situations, or eating or drinking in front of others. In its most severe form, social phobia may be so broad that a person experiences symptoms almost anytime they are around other people.
How are anxiety disorders diagnosed?
Primary care physicians and psychiatrists diagnose someone as having an anxiety disorder if symptoms occur for six months on more days than not, and significantly interfere with the person’s ability to function at home, work or school.
Doctors perform physical and psychological evaluations to rule out other causes for the symptoms of anxiety. Cardiovascular disease, thyroid problems, menopause, substance abuse and/or drug side effects, such as from steroids, may cause symptoms similar to those of an anxiety disorder.
Real Life
After I graduated college I moved back home, and got a job at a retirement home serving in the dining room. I was closer to my bf who was now training for law enforcement. Life was pretty good.
Specific events stand out in my head where my anxiety was in full force. Going out to clubs with a group of friends would leave me debilitated. Worried I would throw up, i'd have to go the the bathroom several times. All I wanted to do was enjoy myself with the people I was with.
Anxiety is a mental disorder, a chemical imbalance. Its the fear of what might come. What if I was boring? What if they judge me? What if I get in a fight with my bf? What if he doesn't understand why I am like this? This happened every time I went somewhere. I'd try to pull myself together, suck it up, but you could see on my face something was wrong. I'd look terrified, like I was having a horrible time, or I was a bitch. When really in my head I was just trying to keep my symptoms under control so I didn't have a meltdown, cry, throw up, or just basically panic.
There is a feeling of getting over this "hump" of fear. Once I started to ignore my emotions and thoughts and accidentally forget about them, my insides wouldn't be tense anymore and i'd feel like myself again. Sometimes alcohol would help ease the pain and force me to just be me, but i'm not much of a drinker. And no way i'd smoke weed because it makes me think so much that i'd probably intensify my anxiety by about 100 times.
Still at this point, I had no idea why i'd get so nervous to the point where it would affect my well being. I just thought I was an overly nervous person. I didn't know it was an actual disorder and could be treated in many ways. "Normal" people, in my opinion, have a threshold of nervousness. People with anxiety i feel do not have a threshold and their nervousness runs wild, not having the ability to tame it. The ability has to be learned and maintained. This is one of the hardest things i've ever had to do, control my thought process.
Specific events stand out in my head where my anxiety was in full force. Going out to clubs with a group of friends would leave me debilitated. Worried I would throw up, i'd have to go the the bathroom several times. All I wanted to do was enjoy myself with the people I was with.
Anxiety is a mental disorder, a chemical imbalance. Its the fear of what might come. What if I was boring? What if they judge me? What if I get in a fight with my bf? What if he doesn't understand why I am like this? This happened every time I went somewhere. I'd try to pull myself together, suck it up, but you could see on my face something was wrong. I'd look terrified, like I was having a horrible time, or I was a bitch. When really in my head I was just trying to keep my symptoms under control so I didn't have a meltdown, cry, throw up, or just basically panic.
There is a feeling of getting over this "hump" of fear. Once I started to ignore my emotions and thoughts and accidentally forget about them, my insides wouldn't be tense anymore and i'd feel like myself again. Sometimes alcohol would help ease the pain and force me to just be me, but i'm not much of a drinker. And no way i'd smoke weed because it makes me think so much that i'd probably intensify my anxiety by about 100 times.
Still at this point, I had no idea why i'd get so nervous to the point where it would affect my well being. I just thought I was an overly nervous person. I didn't know it was an actual disorder and could be treated in many ways. "Normal" people, in my opinion, have a threshold of nervousness. People with anxiety i feel do not have a threshold and their nervousness runs wild, not having the ability to tame it. The ability has to be learned and maintained. This is one of the hardest things i've ever had to do, control my thought process.
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